As I get more in touch with the path of my spiritual self, the speed and contrast between my expansiveness and my depression is increasing dramatically…and it’s a little disturbing to say the least. As I’ve stepped more into my power the last several years and played and danced in that freedom, the intensity of my dark moments has also become heavier, more oppressive. So, alternating between them at this rapid pace is disorienting. I mean, It’s one thing to be relatively happy one week and depressed the next and another thing to be thriving and expressive one day and immobile and insecure the next. It’s like looking over your shoulder at who you were in the last 24 hours and not recognizing yourself.
I described this sensation to a lovely muggle a few days ago and they wondered if I was developing a bipolar disorder, and I assure you that is not what’s happening. This feels distinctly like growth and evolution. The speed and contrast seems to be inline with what many others and I feel is happening in the universe. Our evolution is accelerating; there is less time and space available within the energetic field for us to be mired in anything short of our true radiant splendor.
The universe is losing its tolerance for us living in our heads — in memories, anticipations, projections, stories and fixations. It wants to extract us, put us in this now and let us flow in the continual spaciousness of an unending chain of “nows.” I guess this begs the question of what will happen if we can’t grow and evolve in synchronicity with the ever-accelerating expansion of the universe? Where’s the breaking point? What will happen to those who are blind to these phenomena or too comfortably stuck in the couch of societal norms? There’s obviously many theories on this, and I won’t get into them here, but all in all I would say that because of the amazing awakenings and growth I observe in myself and my community, I am not too worried about our fate.
The bliss of dipping my toes into the intention and possibility of full expression has resulted in some of the most delicious moments of my life—all insecurities seem to fade, attachments release, beauty is everywhere, and love for myself and all others flows without struggle. And remember that is just what happens when I scratch the surface, I can only imagine what it will feel like when I am able to fully submerged, bathing in the glory of unveiled reality.
But the experience of knowing this is possible can be burdensome at times. This is one of what one of my friends calls as a “quality problem.” I mean if we were reaching for mediocre signs of success, like a checklist of societally recognized achievements or the false happiness we associate with financial stability or any stability for that matter, this wouldn’t be such a challenging journey.
But we are aiming high, my friends. And because we’ve swallowed a lot of new age medicine around how we are completely at choice and thus responsible for every negative event, emotion or illness that comes our way, the guilt of slipping up can become quite heavy.
To that I say, we are aiming high, and yes the road to all we seek is through awareness, choice and surrender, but that doesn’t mean our struggles and fixations and deep dark shadows don’t have value and purpose on this path. We can’t just discard the darkness in reaching for the light. We have to thoroughly learn that the darkness doesn’t serve us anymore, and this in itself could take lifetimes. Does it have to take lifetimes? Absolutely not, but let’s not be so hard on ourselves and pretend this comes easy.
I’ve been called masochistic a couple of times in the last week, so I know I say this to myself as much as anyone else, but it’s time for the spiritual community to stop kicking themselves for not being able to cultivate positive energy and light 24/7. It just creates another layer of separation if we all go around trying to out-spiritualize each other. I have heard dozens of stories in the last week of people being terrified that their community won’t accept them if they reveal their pain, their struggle, their shadows.
While I believe there is some pain that can be burnt away by simply choosing a different way to perceive it in the moment it arises, I think there is a lot to be said for purging and expressing our darkest shadows without fear that that will empower their manifestation or alienate us from our peers. It’s in this purging process that they come out to play, allowing us to get to know them and work with them better, so that releasing them isn’t forced or arbitrary or purely a an intellectual choice, but rather a fully embodied and aware process that acknowledges the hidden gift of every shadow. It is in this acknowledgment that acceptance, surrender, and lasting change (emphasis on the LASTING) become available to us.